The Shock of Testing HIV Positive

Whether it was a bolt out of the blue or something that was expected and prepared for, for most people, testing positive is a terrible shock. Hearing those words, telling you that you have it -- HIV infection can be like being kicked in the stomach by a mule. Whatever else the doctor or counselor says somehow doesn't matter, and you are only dimly aware of what is being said to you. Your mind may race wildly, your pulse may quicken, and there may be an empty, sick feeling in your gut. Often numbness sets in, blocking out your feelings. You are in shock.

With a few words, your whole life has been turned upside down. You may feel like screaming with anger and anguish but all of your effort may now go into keeping it all together, staying in control. The anger, fear, and pain come and go, but often there is only the numbness. You may feel confused and overwhelmed. Your mind, wanting to protect you from pain and suffering, has scrambled some of your circuits. Perhaps nothing tastes the same, feels the same, or even looks the same. It might seem that everything is dull and meaningless.

If you relate to these responses, please pay special attention to the following points:

1. You are not alone what you are experiencing is what most people experience upon testing positive.

2. What you are experiencing is only temporary you will get over being in shock. It is a normal phase that you are passing through.

3. There is no hurry to do anything or make any decisions until you are ready to do so don't be rushed or pressured into making major decisions until you can think clearly and act wisely. Major medical decisions should be made together with your health care provider and only when you are sure that the treatment strategy is one that you wish to pursue.

4. There is hope, HIV infection is a slow process. With modern treatment it is really possible, to LIVE with HIV/AIDS. When you think you might have been at risk of infection, it is best to do a HIV-antibody test. When you know earlier during infection, your chances of preserving a strong immune-system are much higher

5. Find someone who can give you non-judgmental emotional support – as you pass through the state of shock, you will have to deal with the emotions that you may be suppressing. With the help of someone that you trust a best friend, a support volunteer, a therapist, a clergyman, or a support group gradually, and at whatever pace is comfortable for you, begin the process of letting out these feelings.

Being asked for help is an honor and a privilege. By asking someone for help, you are acknowledging their trust and compassion and giving them a priceless gift. There are people who want to help. Even if you have never asked anyone for help before, now is the time for you to ask. If you ask for help, and the person you ask doesn't give it to you, try another person.

If you don't know anyone who could provide the non judgmental support that you need, ask your doctor, the St. Maarten AIDS Foundation, the Health Department, the Red Cross, the Turning Point Foundation for referrals.

6. Decide who you want to tell about your status. Who you tell and who you don't tell is your business and only your business. This is the time for you to think of your personal well being. You don't have to tell anyone until it feels right for you, until you are ready. Also, keep in mind that telling the right people can provide much needed emotional support and relieve you of the burden of keeping it all inside.

7. Talk to someone who has already been through it – Organizations like H.O.P.E. (the support group for persons living with HIV/AIDS on St. Maarten) can provide you with peer counselors who have been through what you are experiencing, some of whom are long term survivors. This group, but there are other organizations to, can be an invaluable source of information and emotional support. No one understands what you are going through as well as someone who has already been there him/herself.

8. When you see your physician or health care provider, write down your questions beforehand and write down the answers that you receive you will have a great many questions for your health care providers. Don’t rely on your memory. Having everything in writing will give you the opportunity to deal with your concerns at your leisure and when you are ready to do so.

9. Make use of the support services that are available to you. There are doctors, counselors, governmental and non profit agencies that are there to help you. Their services include counseling, treatment, information for you but also for your family and loved ones, referrals, etc. Keep in mind that you don't have to access these services until are ready to do so. Just know that they are available for you.

10. As the shock wears off, find ways to deal with the feelings. As the shock wears off you quite likely will have feelings of loss, sadness, anger and/or fear just as anyone would, and you will find it easier in the long run to find ways of dealing with these feelings as they come up, through support groups, friends, therapy, prayer, meditation, or any other way that you have found works for you. By dealing with these “difficult” feelings as they come up, you open yourself to the entire range of human emotions, including love and joy.

11. Take it one step at a time. Do things at your own pace. Don't worry about not doing the "right" thing, not doing enough, or not doing things fast enough. There is no "right" way there is only what is right for you. So do what you have to do and only you know what's best for you.

On St. Maarten some of the support systems can be found at:

This is a support group by and for persons living with HIV/AIDS. The group meets every other week at a safe location. There is also the possibility to meet one on one with a member or counselor of the group, if you don’t feel comfortable yet to meet in a larger group.

H.O.P.E. is meant to give support, a listening ear, a shoulder to lean on, but also a source for invaluable information about every aspect of living with HIV/AIDS.

Contacts: Mrs. Suzette Moses-Burton Tel: 542-2059
Dr. Gerard van Osch, M.D. Tel: 544-5374

AIDS Prevention Unit: Contact; Ria Uiterloo: Tel: 548-3087
The Junior AIDS Committee; Contact: Amy Arrindell Tel: 522-1449 The Care, Treatment and Support Unit; Contact: Suzette Moses-Burton: Tel: 542-2059
Gerard van Osch, M.D.: Tel: 544-5374

The Red Cross has its own HIV/AIDS program
Contact: Karen Whatley: Tel: 545-5263

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