When Someone You Know Has AIDS
While serious illness is a fact of everyday life, AIDS has posed new challenges for everyone involved: not only individuals with AIDS, but also their friends and families. People who are in the prime of their lives have become ill, and their prospects for life have been affected. Their suffering and fear is shared by the people close to them.
When someone you know becomes ill, especially with a serious illness like AIDS, you may feel helpless or inadequate. If he or she has been a good friend you may say, "Just call if you need anything”. Then out of fear or insecurity, you may dread the call. Many people are afraid of people with AIDS, because they think they can become infected, with the AIDS virus.
This makes them reject people who are sick, and not want to spend time with them. Here are some thoughts and suggestions that may help you to help someone who has AIDS. (The pronouns "him" and "her" have been used alternately, as both men and women with AIDS need the same loving care and attention.)
Don't avoid him. Be there it instills hope. Be the friend, the loved one you've always been.
HIV infection or AIDS cannot be transmitted through normal daily contact. It is totally safe to hug, kiss, talk and be there for this person.
These days there is very effective treatment for HIV/AIDS. This treatment is fully available on St. Maarten, and is covered by almost all insurances. You as a friend can stimulate your loved one to seek proper medical treatment.
Some persons are afraid to go to their doctor or to the referral clinic because they think people might recognize them. All clinics, the laboratories and the hospital on the island work along very strict confidentiality/privacy guidelines, and despite rumors that information is sometimes given out, this is most of the time not true.
If ever you would come across such a breach in confidence it should be reported (for instance to the St. Maarten AIDS Foundation, or the specific institution) to help avoid reoccurrence.
People’s privacy should be respected at all times, and you will have to keep all information to yourself unless your friend asks you specifically to inform others. It is good policy to have your friend present at such time, and you only there for support, instead of “talking” about your friend without him being present.
Touch her. A simple squeeze of the hand or a hug can let her know that you care. Don't be afraid ... you cannot become infected with the AIDS virus by simply touching a person with AIDS.
Call before you plan to visit. He may not feel up to a visitor that day. Don't be afraid to call back and visit on another occasion. He needs you, and may be lonely and afraid.
Take him or her for a walk or outing, but ask about and know his limitations.
Call and say you're bringing her favorite dish. Bring the food in disposable containers so she won't have to worry about washing dishes. Spend time sharing a meal with her. Don't be afraid... you cannot become infected with the AIDS virus by sharing food, dishes, forks, spoons, cups or glasses with a person with HIV/AIDS.
Help him celebrate holidays and life by decorating his home or hospital room. Bring flowers or other small gifts.
Help her partner, spouse, friends and or family members. They may also be suffering. The people who are taking care of a person with AIDS may also need a small break from the illness from time to time. Offer to stay with the person who is sick in order to give her loved ones a break. They may need someone to talk to as well.
Be creative. Bring books, periodicals, taped music/cd, or a poster for a wall, home baked cookies, or other delicacies to share with visitors. Bring along another friend who hasn't been to visit.
Don't be reluctant to talk about his illness. He may need to talk about his condition. Find out by asking, "Do you feel like talking about it?" Without prying into people’s business, it’s okay to ask questions. If you notice the talk makes your friend/loved one uncomfortable, you can always ask about that, or change the subject. Illness is part of life; we don’t have to go around it as if it doesn’t exist.
Don't feel that you both always have to talk. It's okay just to sit together silently, reading, listening to music, watching television. Much can be expressed without words.
Help her feel good about her looks if possible. Tell her that she looks good, but only if it is realistic to do so. If her appearance has changed, don't ignore it. Acknowledge the fact. However, be gentle, and remember, don't lie.
Include him in decision making. He has been robbed of so many things and has lost control over many aspects of his life. Don't deny him a chance to make decisions, no matter how simple or silly they may seem to you.
Discuss current events with her. Help her feel that the world is not passing her by.
Offer to do household chores, perhaps doing the laundry, washing dishes, watering plants, feeding or walking pets. This may be appreciated more than you realize. However, don't do for him what he can do for himself. Ask before doing anything.
Send a card that says simply, "I care!" If you are religious, ask if you could pray for her or with her. Don't be hesitant to share your faith with her. Spirituality can be very important at times such as these.
Don't lecture him or be angry if he seems to be handling his illness in a way that you think is inappropriate. Everyone has a choice to their own destiny. We will have to respect their choices, but it is okay to offer assistance to change or help things when you feel it is appropriate without forcing your will onto the person.
Don't permit her to blame herself for her illness. She didn't deserve to get AIDS. Remind her that lifestyles don't cause diseases, germs do. HIV/AIDS is not a wrath from God or any Higher Power. It can happen to any one of us regardless of lifestyle, race, religion, financial position, education, etc.
If you are going to have sex with him/her, be informed about precautions that make sex safer for both of you. You can touch, hug, and kiss safely. If you have intercourse, use a condom.
Don't allow him or the people caring for him to become isolated. Let them know about support groups for people with AIDS. On St. Maarten, there is H.O.P.E. (Helping Ourselves in a Positive Environment) a support group for persons living with HIV/AIDS. To make contact with this group you can call Suzette Moses at
Tel: 542-2059 or Dr. Gerard van Osch at Tel: 544-5374.
Although modern medicines can usually prevent death, AIDS is still a disease that can kill.
If your friend/loved one is living through his final days, it is okay to talk about the issue, and address the situation. Be loving and caring even in this time. By talking about the issue it may help your loved one to make the proper arrangements while she still can. Help if necessary to make those arrangements. Prayer, singing, and preparing for this last stage is important while helping to keep your friend comfortable.
Bring a positive attitude. It’s catching.
Some will say that HIV is here for all of us to learn something about ourselves, who are as a community of human beings. HIV/AIDS have brought more people/families together, than it has seperated them. It’s a life-changing experience for all of us, but it is part of life as we know it. By acknowleging it’s existance we’ll be better able to deal with it. Ignoring it will not make it go away.
